Airline Atrocities and Passenger Pain Summed Up in One Trip (and some Sarcasm)

I'm sitting on a flight, a rather pleasant one for once, to JFK from Los Angeles. I was pulling up some old articles I’d written for a potential contract, and found this one. I hadn’t ever posted it to my blog, and it’s too amusing not to.. so here goes.. a 6 month old blog never posted! I hope you enjoy the sarcash.. I have to admit it made me laugh to read this again.

You will sense I have a disdain for authority without .. well.. my belief they should have it. I dont like people telling me what the 'rules' are when they've had less training or are not so bright. (Cops giving me tickets for driving 'unsafe for conditions' when I've had more track time than they have and flight attendants telling me to turn off headphones are two mild examples).. :)

_

As a 2million+ mile airline traveler on American Airlines alone at the ripe old age of 33 (and many hundreds of thousands more on other airlines), I have seen the tragic deconstruction of the airline industry first hand over the past several years. As a business writer, analyst and practitioner/scholar, I find the repeated ‘solutions’ airlines come up with remarkably ignorant and maddeningly infuriating. One recent trip from Orange County to Minneapolis summed up the stupidity, and perhaps glaringly obvious answers, to the once-service oriented airline business.

No doubt airlines are suffering from betting against future oil prices and the demands of passengers to include air travel as a right rather than a business necessity or luxury. Airlines can really blame only themselves however; trying to compete with low cost carriers designed to fill those needs rather than focus on their core constituents.

Beginning with my attempt at quick booking, I realized American had still not fixed the web site’s primary problem – the inability to check which flights had upgrades available using mileage. Requiring yet another call to American’s Platium AAdvantage desk (which about 90% of the time, from my estimates, results in an individual barely capable of reading his or her screen and relaying accurate information or completing a transaction without a significant error), I booked my flight using upgrades and later my husband’s in Coach – he preferred to save the miles for longer flights. Problem and Solution #1 –if you want to have people service themselves, add services to the web site. It’s really quite easy.

With our ticket set, we were unable to check in online due to web site outages until right before we left. (Problem and Solution #2 – use a reliable web-based system)

As my husband and I check into Orange County’s small and uniquely calm, quick John Wayne Airport, the ticket agent notifies us that while entering my husband’s frequent flier number (which I attempted to do online but the “feature rich” website was down for over a day), his seat on the flight home had been removed – he was confirmed but no longer had a seat assigned. I’m still not quite sure how this happens as it’s an obvious dichotomy, but the system removed his seat while entering a frequent flier number. Ludicrous? An understatement. This of course resulted to yet another call to another incompetent AAdvantage representative that indicated I’d have to wait until the day of travel. (Problem and Solution #3 – Encouraging people to book and make changes early and then subsequently, multiple times, asking them to wait until the day of travel creates extensive stress for the passenger, something airlines perhaps assume we will just get used to).

My husband still unconfirmed, we board the highly aging Super 80. While not in the least bit afraid to fly, I'm wishing my former business colleague with access to repair history was sitting next to me like the olden days, so we could check when the aircraft had last been in for service. Super 80s aren’t exactly known for their reliability these days – and neither is American Airlines. (Problem and Solution #4 – Maintain Your Aircraft! Clean the bathrooms! Simple stuff, people – there is a known issue with the lavatory on Super 80s too.. don’t ever sit close to one).

The relatively uncomfortable (even in first class) flight reminded me of another flight from Atlanta, in which the individual next to my seatmate in coach literally picked up his fat and laid it on her chair, indicating to her that he was bigger and therefore needed more space. (Problem and Solution #5 – Stop worrying about a 51 pound bag and weigh us by our “total flying footprint” – embarrassment and all – our weight plus our baggage and charge us a per-pound fee for all of us, our luggage and gluttonous diet included).

As I usually do, I hide my completely harmless electronic devices under my blanket; I see others doing the same. Statistics show these devices don’t do anything to planes, and even pilots have admitted to me they use their cell phones in flight. About 10% of the time I get caught by an on-the-guard attendant who tells me to put my goodies away. I cover the on switch and go about my flight. Remember, these do nothing to flight controls on a jumbo jet. We are not talking about Cessna’s (which ironically I regularly used my cell phone in while flying). Let’s use logic, people. Are those video monitors not electronic devices?

This brings me to yet another point. Many of us save up our miles to upgrade on flights, particularly long ones. Needing room to type on my laptop to write articles like this and books due to editors, I usually upgrade and take flights only where upgrades are available. We expect food – not nuts – yet again. (Problem and Solution #6 – Try to switch up the food. When we know before getting on the plane exactly what “food” will be provided based on the flight time, ladies and gentlemen, we have high degrees of boredom (although GoGo has helped…. That is how I posted this brilliant blog LOL) What happened to those $3 Musketeer’s bars anyway? At least those were good and got me in the gym the next day out of sheer guilt. Another note about those first class nuts – try to add more cashews okay? I realize they cost more but come on.) Virgin America has fixed this with “on demand” food.

At the airport in Missouri, the attendants on the ground talk as though they barely rank higher on the evolutionary scale than lizards. They appear to have no intelligence or reasoning capability, and cannot answer simple questions. I give up. (Problem and Solution #7 – hire people that pass a simple yes/no common sense test - like knowing your own name). Forget it.. I move onto the next flight, a lovely 2x1 commuter jet – you know the planes with two passengers on one side and one on the other? I’m sure you do. They have less room than tight roller coasters. I think next time Ill put my hands up in the air on take-off. For a 90 minute flight, this hardly seems reasonable or even efficient. We spent more time rebalancing weight on the aircraft than flying. Earlier noted Cessna’s require less weight distribution work. Geez!

I get into my bulkhead seat (not my favorite despite the extra leg room - first you can't have your 'stuff' with you, but I also have a hero complex.. and if Im sitting by the front, the bad guys got too far before I get to hurt them.. If I sit further back, I can stop them before they do any damage.. with my ice skate toe-pik, my water bottle or anything else I happen to have laying around LOL); I count roughly 36 seats on the plane. I may have miscounted trying to see over the tall passengers. I realize that the flight hall monitor was going to be hanging out by my seat and I would probably not be able to hide my electronic gadgets. I turn them all off feeling defeated. I quickly introduce myself to my seat mate, a friendly gentleman from Minnesota, my destination that day. We quickly realize we have something in common – we are both PhDs – though I consider his research to be much more significant than mine. His opinions would consist more of proteins contributing to pancreatic cancer cells than airlines, but two PhDs we both are nonetheless.

The hall monitor quickly zeros in on us – we aren’t quite sure why. I’m reading an economic magazine; he is reading a journal article on cancer cells. She informs us that our magazines and articles, laptops and other goodies must all go in the overhead bin. We stop and look at her, both puzzled; then we look at each other – two strangers confused by her stupidity. We move our briefcases, a common routine in the bulkhead aisle and a small price to pay for more legroom if that is your thing, to the overhead bin. We sit back down. Then she asks that we move our magazines and writing pads into the overhead bin. Huh? I moved mine to the elastic pouch in the front of me – she gets quite irritated. (Problem and Solution #8 – Test for mental instability. Problem inherently noted in the solution). She cups her hands to form what looks like a ridiculous human version of a bullhorn, other passengers now looking at her oddly, screaming (literally) “I said you must put your stuff in the overhead. That elastic thing isn’t going to hold your magazine.” To which I sarcastically replied, “really? It is holding yours.” She had no answer. I'm wondering at this point if my Weekly Standard article opened next to me depicting a funny headline about Obama has her upset; after all it was dissing The Savior.

Remembering that arguing with her could get me detailed, I followed her illogical, ridiculous rule. I did inquire as to why she was making up non-FAA regulated data, to which she replied “you are in the front. Do you see that wall? That magazine can bounce off of the wall and hit a passenger in the head should we encounter turbulence. But only until 10,000 feet, then you can use your magazine.” HUH? First, who uses magazines? Second, I thought that applied to electronic devices. Was my article by Bill Kristol going to throw off the 5 decade old radar based technology? She was truly one of the most irrational, unintelligent human beings I have met on airlines to date. (Problem and Solution #9 – please inform hall monitors, no longer worthy of the name flight attendants, as to real FAA rules and not made up “it’s my time of the month” rules. I can say this, I’m a woman.)

Now with magazines and pads in tow, we both get up and put everything we own, except our headphones, into the overhead bin. My seatmate’s headphones contained no electronic device, no on/off switch, no battery. My Bose do, but I can turn that part off. She yells at him, “the headphones off!” to which he replies, logically and only rolling his eyes within my range of visibility, “they have no on off switch! They are just head phones!” She yells back to him, in a condescending voice, “sir, if we start to crash, you will not know!” WHAT? He looks at me again – this time both of us in disgust – we won’t know? Last time I checked, passengers are quite aware of their rapid descent, except those lucky enough to be in the back hit with my deadly magazine that will be knocked unconscious and won’t feel their bodies ripped apart by more g’s than the human body can handle before hitting the ground at terminal velocity. (Problem and Solution #10 – don’t remind passengers that they may die. Don’t ask us to remove anything without an on/off switch. In general just stop being stupid!)

The rest of the flight remains similar. I sarcastically put my Bose cover behind my head – she cannot argue with my logic (although I could have easily thought of 3 or 4 things to refute my own logic – her lack of anything intellectual within the frame of her body leads her to finally give up). We both laugh, make fun of her openly, and precisely at the “double ding” (her words) we get our stuff back out. We get about 20 minutes before the premature double-ding again. During this time he finishes a journal, some new equations, and I get to finish off my article. At some random time she hands me a baby wipe from her stash – perhaps as a means of mending her now failing passenger-hall monitor relationship. It was later clear why she did so – she indicated, on her own, that the bathrooms were “disgusting” and should I decide to go, I’d need it because they “hadn’t been cleaned in days”. Again reminders of the stench on Super 80 aircraft that emanates from the bathrooms are reason number one for not asking for a drink – keep your bladder empty. Remembering the stories my brother has told me about his time at Carls Jr. working the midnight shift and the things they did to drive-thru customers, particularly when they are irritated, reinforced that lack of request. (Note to airlines – we know you don’t clean the bathrooms, we also know you ignore details like the disgusting pieces of God-knows-what in the airplane windows and the lack of disinfecting everything from the air vent to the handle that pulls out the food tray, should we be lucky enough for it to work). We land and she wishes us well. Huh? Once again. My seatmate and I thank one another for making a 90 grueling minutes a bit less grueling. He was a genuine good-guy that I still stay in touch with.

When we deplane, we call the AAdvantage desk again – which should be referred to as something else, like the “We might answer the phone if you’re lucky” desk, but only after you yell “Agent!” into the phone at least 6 times. (Problem and Solution #11 – if we hit 0, take us to an operator, immediately. Stop asking if there is really not something you can help us with.” I’m trying get my husband a real seat. The story changes – now we must wait until we get to the airport to get him a seat.

Our stay is great – watching a dear friend graduate and a learner I have mentored through her dissertation complete her doctorate. I dread the flight back home, but it goes pretty much as expected. The airline attendant is unable to assign anything but a center seat until we get to the next airport, even though there are 39 seats open. We are assured the next gate agent can rectify the problem. The next gate agent, of course, announces after watching us stand around and wait 20 minutes while she seemingly did nothing that the flight was oversold and he could not change seats.

After over 15 years of loyalty to American Airlines, I'm eagerly awaiting Virgin America’s entrance into more airports. For now I must settle for their cross-country LAX/JFK flight. They offer self-ordering through an electronic menu, a USB port, a real power plug and friendly, normal, seemingly intelligent people – not to mention cool lights. Until American and other “major” carriers figure out what people want, I hope that they become minor. May the worst of them fail – American included. I for one and tired of making excuses for ignorant people, stupid unfounded rules, and excuses for their poor customer service. I guess for now I will have to settle for my little victories which my husband thinks are so hilarious and nothing more than an issue with “authority” figures (aka hall monitors) – a switch in the on position when it should be off and a magazine in a seat pocket. Thank God for those small victories.